Let’s talk about something we all do and we all need desperately—sleep. Have you ever fought over the blankets? Does your partner toss and turn so much that it keeps you up? Does your partner snore and you find yourself pushing your partner with your foot to get them to turn over? Is your bedroom too hot/too cold? Do you like a soft bed, but your partner likes it firm? Are you such a light sleeper that the slightest sound wakes you? Do you wake up every time your partner gets up to pee? Does your partner generate so much heat that you feel you will catch fire? If this describes something you live with regularly, then there’s a good chance you wake up cranky because your sleep was so disturbed by your partner.
Clearly, sleeping with our beloved is not all a bed of roses for many of us. Getting a good night’s sleep trumps the notion that all couples should sleep together and if they don’t there must be something seriously wrong with their relationship. Sometimes, sleeping separately might actually save your relationship! The research is pretty clear on this issue—people who don’t get good sleeps are more likely to experience all kinds of negative consequences, including more conflict in their relationships.
Believe it or not, one third of all couples either sleep in separate beds or separate rooms (American Academy of Sleep Medicine). Recently, a term has been trending on social media: The Sleep Divorce. The term is relatively new, but the practice is not. In fact, historically, couples often had their own “chambers/quarters,” and when intimacy was desired, the couple would meet in one of the chambers and then retire to their own. I’m not quite sure when all this changed, but in recent years, with lots of talk about sleep quality and its impact on relationships and health, we are revisiting the separate bedroom custom.
The “sleep divorce” is the decision a couple makes to sleep in separate bedrooms in order to get a restful night’s sleep. This may sound counterintuitive, but I promise you, this could save your relationship. Imagine waking up every morning feeling irritated at your partner for having kept you up most of the night! That is definitely not good for a relationship. On the other hand, some people cringe at the thought of sleeping separately, assuming that this implies trouble in paradise, or that this means the relationship will be sexless. This is a misconception. Couples who sleep separately make conscious efforts to make time for intimacy, tucking each other in, making dates for sex, etc.
If you find yourself frustrated night after night, it might be time to have a good, honest discussion about your sleep needs. We need to approach this with compassion and no judgment. There’s nothing wrong with you if you need your space to get a good night’s sleep. It’s important that when you discuss this with your partner, there is no blame. Use “I” statements, such as “I’m having a really hard time getting a good night’s sleep and it is affecting me during the day” rather than, “Your snoring is driving me nuts.” Reassure your partner that it is not a reflection of how you feel about them, and that you want to ensure that you still feel connected emotionally and intimately even if you don’t sleep together. Come up with a plan together (ex: I’ll tuck you in and cuddle with you for a bit, then go to my room). Arm yourself with information about the importance of sleep and what consequences a disturbed sleep can lead to. Instead of a complete sleep divorce, you can try a sleep separation and see how you both feel.
For a sleep divorce/separation to be successful, both partners need to agree to this after an honest discussion about each person’s sleep needs, discussing the benefits of sleeping separately and communicating about how intimacy will be handled. A good night’s sleep benefits everyone!